第七十一记 深夜思考
顶点小说(biquge432.com)更新快，无弹窗！
但那时候好像可以一个旁观者的感觉说出来，全程都很冷静的一个语气
也说了挺多的吧，我也发现了我自己的一个心路历程，从小时候会【被外界信息所影响】，我妈每次和我说完那些事情之后我都会被影响，开始心疼这心疼那
到【发现好像不太对劲】，比如我妈总说他们多么辛苦不容易，在我努力为他们省钱的时候我哥却心安理得的要这要那，而他们也完全买单
并不是觉得我爸妈偏心重男轻女，而是我不理解，明明我什么也没干，我都这么努力的体谅你们了，为什么还总是来找我诉苦呢，为什么不去找我哥天天念叨
就像读书的时候，我哥去医院配眼镜花了几千块，我妈买完单之后扭头就对我说你可千万别近视，别像哥哥那样，我跟你爸平时叭叭叭叭叭叭
我什么也没做啊，我什么也没有干啊，明明时间金钱不是我造成的，为什么要对我说呢
他们总觉得我是在嫉妒我哥，但是在意的从来都不是我哥花多花少，而且为什么总是要对什么都没干的我一直诉苦让我一直内耗呢
所以现在我已经进入了另一种心态，【屏蔽感知】我什么都不想听了，听了也不会往心里去，哦，那关我什么事呢，和我有什么关系
老爸工作时被砸伤了差点出事了？可是身体是他自己的，他自己不注意不爱惜别人再怎么说也没用啊，那我又有什么办法
我记得我爸以前被划伤我都很担心，担心到要哭出来的那种，这当然也少不了我妈在旁边给我念叨的功劳，当时一直让他去打破伤风，我也不知道他到底打没打
反正以前总心疼这心疼那，操心这操心那，但现在我发现，有这功夫我不如多心疼心疼我自己
他们总爱说等到了什么什么时候你就知道了，但是每个阶段有每个阶段要做的事情，我为什么要提前知道后面的事情呢，我二十多岁的阶段都还没活明白我为什么要去管中年阶段的事情
我当时也说了小学时候他们吵架打架我都知道的事情，当时我妈是觉得我在怪他们吵架，还说夫妻吵架都是正常的，他们还算好了，等你结婚了你看你们吵不吵之类的
但我只是想陈述这件事情的存在，我没有怪任何人，我当然知道吵架是正常的，但是我只是想说这件事确实有对当时的我造成一些影响，当时那个小学阶段的我，你们总说你们不容易，在我说我也不容易的时候总否定我，说有吃有喝叭叭叭叭叭叭，当时你还说吵架就吵架咯有什么……
我当时打断了她，确实，对于现在的我来说，吵架就吵架呗，现在再吵架我有胆量也有能力去劝架拉开你们了，对我来说也不是什么大事，可对于小学阶段的我来说不是那么回事啊
每个阶段都有每个阶段要做要承受的事情，这句话我也对我妈说了
包括交流沟通的问题，我妈开始觉得我是因为一个鞋子就小题大做，但这后面其实是一直以来的无可奈何
对于这件事我也和我妈说了，用的是买衣服的例子，每次去买衣服都说让我自己挑，说你不知道我要买什么衣服，等等买了又不喜欢，可当我真的挑了的时候你又开始贬低我挑的衣服，“你这么大了还穿这种衣服吗，这都不适合你，你看这个，这个多好啊，你们这个年龄段都是穿这种的，你挑的那个……”看似给我选择的背后实际毫无选择，甚至狠狠的贬低我的选择以及我来达到你的选择
这次鞋子是积累已久，因为想我去买鞋子就先狠狠的贬低一下我的鞋以及我来达到让我去买鞋子的目的，在我表明不用买之后又开始疯狂洗脑，自己跑去买买回来我不想要就开始怪我不跟着去买，怪我挑剔，仿佛我从来没表达过我根本就不需要的意愿一样
这些当时我都和我妈说过，我妈后面也确实意识到了自己的问题，不过当时我是没有现在这么带有情绪的，当时我是很平静的在陈述这些事情，现在我感觉多少还是带有些责怪的情绪在的
我原本以为我和我爸妈也许是差次彻彻底底的沟通但现在看来并不是，其实话都差不多说开了，但我内心并没有很轻松的感觉，反而觉得有点累
因为我又要开始装了，这次谈话完了之后我又要开始装好女儿了，不能再那么冷漠了
我也不知道为什么，要说他们不好吗？其实也没有，他们都挺好的，包括其他亲戚其实也是，他们都没有什么坏心眼，但就是感觉有点隔阂，而这种感觉随着我越来越自由而越来越深
可能是长期已久吧，也有可能我感受过我真正想要的生活是怎么样的了，也有可能是给自己脱敏了
我是从小就不需要他们吗？好像不是，我以前挺胆小挺依赖他们的啊，从外地转回家乡的前期我还是挺依赖他们的，可能还是从那段的吵架开始慢慢疏远的吧
从依赖到他们吵架，默默梳理情绪，之前挺喜欢在家里的，不过那段确实有时候放学了
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