第七十一记 深夜思考
顶点小说(biquge432.com)更新快，无弹窗！
侣头像了，然后我妈说“嗯，外公前几天走了，想换个头像，之前那个黑漆漆的”然后我们才知道外公离开的事情，那时候我伤感了一晚，是一种对生命逝去的感觉吧
我对外公其实感觉也不是很深，基本上就过年走亲戚见一下，接触也不是很多，那时候感触比较多的是好像能理解为什么说要小孩子了，因为好像确实人到了一定的年纪就在一个个送走身边的人，那种感觉还挺不好的，而孩子是一种新兴力量，会让人看见希望
不过伤感完那一晚之后也还好，，那时候也发现了我妈的一点变化，但其实我并不是很在意，因为我感觉这样也挺好的，还是那句话，反正情绪也改变不了什么，那就没必要浪费了，我只想知道结果，省去等待结果的带来的负面情绪好像也挺好的
然后就是回家了，回家第一晚还好，第二天早上也开始也还好，但是我妈看见我的鞋子灰灰的就又开始说我“你这个鞋子这么脏，赶紧去买一双，被别人看见了多不好，大过年的怎么也不买个新鞋的啊”
我当时说不用了，后面说了很多次不用了，也说了这里的鞋子都好硬穿的好难受，她就是不听，非要去给我买，我没办法就说你爱买就买吧
习惯了，反正说了也是白说，我说的话就跟放屁一样
那天晚上鞋子给洗了，第二天我只能穿那个新鞋，是真的难穿啊，鞋底梆硬，脚后跟邦磨，走去喝茶那一公里路我的脚超痛，脚后跟也被磨破出血了，每一步都生无可恋，我拍照发群里了，他们还认为是袜子的问题
我真的很无语，也很生气，中午去奶奶家吃团圆饭，我生无可恋的又穿上那个鞋，但是我把它当拖鞋穿，脚后跟露外面没有完全穿进去
到了奶奶家我爸就开始说鞋子怎么了开始摆弄，我妈也一起“这鞋子很好啊，我穿着很舒服啊，都说了让你跟我去买你又不去，买回来你又不喜欢”
“我都说了不用买！”
我妈没话说了我爸又来劲了，开始说怎么越长大越叭叭叭叭叭叭后面的话我直接自动屏蔽了
我是真的很想原地发疯，忍着不当着亲戚发疯已经是我最大的体面了，准备去拜神他们走出去的时候，我又默默穿上那个破鞋子，但是忍不住哭了，堂妹她是现场唯一能和我感同身受的，默默来我身边安慰我
眼泪哗啦啦的往下掉，但这次也是我在心疼我自己，为了自己哭的，太惨了，哭都得憋着哭，在外面大半年都没这几天这么累过
吃饭的时候奶奶又开始了“你们都要好好听父母的话，他们是生你养你的人，都很辛苦赚钱…………”
不想听，根本就不想听，默默把耳机音量调高完全覆盖掉那些讨厌的声音，但开头还是听见了，又想哭了，真的太心疼自己了
本来想着赶紧吃完回去大哭特哭一场，但当我上楼回房间之后反而平静了不想哭了
那天是除夕，吃完之后我妈也上来了，我本来想着我妈会不会意识到自己确实是有点问题了，毕竟之前就吵过，知道我很讨厌别人管我，而且刚刚我还哭了，她刚刚在奶奶说我的时候还维护了下说我是脚被磨到不舒服哭了的，不是因为什么
但事实证明还是有点太理想化了，她还是觉得是我小题大做，就因为一个鞋子就这样，听到这样我也根本不想好好说话，反正说了也是白说
我一直秉持着长了嘴就用，不然就捐给有用的人理念，但是我发现在家我完全和这个理念背道而驰，后面我才发现了，可能因为我在外面碰上的都是可以用沟通解决的问题，但是在家里说了也是白说，所以现在我直接选择不说了
说着说着我妈又要开始说他们的辛苦史了，但是我不想听，我现在一点都不想听这些事情，我也说了我不想听，哔哩吧啦了几个回合，也说到了那我明年干脆就不回来算了，其实今年到了要回来那天也不是很想回来来着。。。
听到这话我妈直接开启狂暴模式，哐哐一顿猛输出，很多很多，很多东西，说了很多，有外婆外公离去对她的影响，也有外公离去后舅舅背刺的事情，还有我爸年底加班受伤差点出事的事情，很多很多
但那时候其实我反而没什么特别大的情绪波动，反而有点在想，好像还有点挺羡慕她的，可以直接狂暴，心里的事全部一顿疯狂输出，我好像不会，无论什么时候我都不会把我心里的所想所感歇斯底里的吐出来，我感觉我现在有点像个机器人，内心是很冷的
在听到那些事的时候也没什么特别的情绪，只觉得感觉有点累，最后我还是得充当情绪垃圾桶
（本章未完，请点击下一页继续阅读）第七十一记深夜思考(第2/2页)
在我妈慢慢平复下来之后，我也知道这次是必须要说了，有什么都要说什么，所以我也慢慢的说出了我心里的事，从小学开始到现在的所想所感
之前会觉得很难说不知道从哪说起，
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